The Cub was conceived during a very successful Sex Magick Operation. His being here is a continuation of that operation. So far it has been a year and counting. Right after the Cub was born I started to get really bizarre and exquisitely painful eye pain. Traditionally unsealed energy comes right back in my right eye and this feels like the world is imploding on my iris. It has been a real challenge trying to keep up with my now exquisitely busy life. As of yet they have not determined the ultimate cause but have me on some breastfeeding safe medications. They do, however, knock me right out of my normal state.
Many years ago I was in the hospital and on morphine for the better part of a week. At that time I TRIED to do an LBRP. My brain was so fried that I determined that there was no way that any form of drugs would EVER play into my magickal work. I literally got LOST in a Q-Cross.
Yesterday, my right eye developed a blurred circle in the middle of my vision. It resembled how people look in ritual when they take on Godform. You can see them, just no details. It was fairly scary in all honesty. I came home and took the meds - a lot of them.
Well last night I was forced to eat my words. I finally found how mind altering substances can help you get out of your own way. Because of the meds/ drugs my normal mental defense mechanisms, were effectively on vacation. When my mind started to look at an issue that I had dragged around from a previous relationship and into the current one, I was able to look at it honestly. I was able to admit that my insecurity existed - which has been a huge step in and of itself. And then I was able to verbalize it to Tiger - sans ego and sans excuses.
A funny thing happened as I verbalized it, it lead to more Socratic reasoning. So as one honest question lead to another, I realized that the issue I had been dragging with me was not mine originally. One partners issue could not be dealt with by me and so I created my own issue to try to control it - as a REASON for their issue that predated me. Since I could not fix their issue I was out of control and that was far more scary than packing up an issue. If they did not like ice cream, then surely it was because they did not like MY ice cream. There must be something wrong with MY ice cream - otherwise they would like it. It is a nasty loop and the mind is a very strange thing.
As I babbled on honestly through the process to Tiger, I actually felt the issue be released. I immediately felt my heart lighter as I just let that go. When I woke up this morning I felt much better and my heart is starting to heal.
So while I am not advocating anyone start a heroin habit to cure a hangnail, I can now see the point. If used as a tool, this could be incredibly effective. I just think that you can reproduce these results without the drugs once you know the way. The risk is of course addiction and that would be counterproductive to the cause of freedom. Freeing yourself from your issues by placing your neck in a yoke is a tactical error.
LMD describes magick as the art of changing yourself. Last night a GREAT deal of magick was accomplished and insights were made.
While motherhood has been all consuming for a few months, the pull back into my magickal roots has began in earnest. The other night while rocking the Cub though a glorious bout of teething, I got the not-so-bright-idea to do an LBRP since energy puts him to sleep.
As I began to vibrate the Q-cross, he sat straight up and looked at me. It was not the look of an infant. It was an old Adept staring back as if I had just really stepped in it. The look on his face was a very distinctive "What in the hell do you think you are doing?"
Suddenly I was being scolded simulantously by the Cub and the Hamster.
The Hamster just sternly stated/ questioned "Do you really think that is a good precendent to set? Do you remember how much fun it was to overcome that when you first started?"
(Slight back story... my aunt used to put me to sleep by mediatating. It took me years before I did not just fall right to sleep after most magickal operations.)
So while I know that I gave birth to the Cub, I suspect that he is a very old soul. I suppose that only time will tell!
The Cub arrived on St. Patty's day at 11:03 PM. He is my 9 pound 10 ounce preemie, since he was born at 37 weeks. Yes my friends that makes him a Pisces just like Mommy and brings the count to 4 water signs and an air sign in the house. Pray for the Aquarian Tiger, he will need it. Even the cat is a Pisces...
Pardon the disjointed nature of the post, sleep deprivation is well upon me!
After a challenging pregnancy and a difficult labor, I am pleased report that the cub is healthy and HUGE! While my plan was for an all natural delivery, I was pleased after all of the complications for some assistance from modern medicine. I am also most thankful for all of the magickal assistance from the Cabal and various glorious mentors. The fact that it went as well as it did is in and of itself a magickal act. Thank you one and all for your well wishes and work on our behalf!
As I look at him sleeping next to me, I realize that there is an amnesia that goes with birth or we would all be only children. On this the Third Day of the Book of the Law, I am also most pleased to have a happy healthy baby Horus sleeping next me.
While both the Tiger and I were bald until we were well past the age of 1, the Cub came out with a gloriously thick head of blond (which we thought was red due to a well placed bit of blood) hair. Despite the concerns over his heart, he came out wailing and left no question as to his lung capacity. After careful examination, they could find no sign of the heart issues. Again, there is a magickal touch there and I thank any and all involved.
After 5 days in the hospital I was well enough to get sprung from the hospital we never looked back.
Right after he was born I looked him in the eye and asked him "Who are you?" and I swear to you he smirked. I am not sure what Pisces hedonist decided to take another ride on the material plane, but this will be an ADVENTURE!
The Lust card is near and dear to my heart for a number of reasons. Most of which have nothing to do directly with sex. I had several years to study the proof of this card in all of it's first print 8 plate glory. Last weekend I finally understood it.
The Cub is having issues and I dragged my Tiger down to Venice Beach to talk to HCOMA. She (your mileage may vary) is the Enochian angel in charge of all things fluid. I am talking about a really cosmic flowing sense, not just water. Over the years we have developed a lovely relationship and the beach has always provided a clear place to chat.
As I waddled down to the beach by myself ( quite a sight in and of itself) HCOMA was literally omnipresent. My goal was to work with her to bring about some healing for the Cub. It was old mother magick at it's simplest and finest. Since that 200 yard trip took a while, an interesting download of elemental forces in balance was downloaded. Everything about that area was flowing: the very wet sea air, the sand under my feet and even the marine layer of rain clouds above me. I was in the right place and she was EVERYWHERE.
And then something unexpected happened. Babalon showed up.
It was as if a pantheon of Great Ladies filed in behind me in an amphitheater to watch the show of the ocean. Normally I would have been disconcerted by several of the Great Ladies just showing up unannounced, but somehow it was I who crashed the party. I stepped into a current without recognizing that I was there.
At an earlier time during the Gnostic Mass Babalon had admonished me not to work with her energies because they were destructive to me at this point. So her appearance made me a bit uneasy. She then stepped forward and explained her earlier advice. She told me at this point in my life her energies could be akin to lack of self preservation that a mother feels for her child. We would die for them without question, but that is not conducive to their life before they are born. We are a unit for the duration and my self preservation instincts must be tiptop or I will injure the Cub. Then I got a flash of the Lust Card and the line from the Gnostic Mass about "admonishing the Great Sea". Then she went on to explain that her energies could be considered akin to orgasm and that it is self destructive in its completion.
In the Gnostic Mass there is a part where the deacon is reading from the Saints list to help get the priest into a spiritually erect state. The list is a list of male Gnostic Saints. They are what make up this spiritual erection. Suddenly spirituality and biology collided and I finally got it. The blood of the saints that she is drunk on has nothing to do with human sacrifice, it has everything to do with how humans get erections. Sometimes I can be rather dense.
I smiled and as the thought percolated in my consciousness, she stood back in the line of Great Ladies.
As I reached the waters edge, I was struck by how LOUD HCOMA was there. As I prepared my sigils and prayers, something odd happened. The planetary sigil for Jupiter that I was going to use, completely blanked out of my mind. Now mind you this is a sigil that I have constructed literally hundreds of times and I have a photographic memory. At this point I realized that this was a hamster kick to pursue another avenue. I pondered for a moment and constructed another sigil for the sand. As I completed the sigils and waited for the ocean to wash way my prayer, I noticed a series of what looked like small out outcroppings of seaweed. When I reached down to unearth one, I noticed that they were not seaweed but closed and living bivalves. They were ocean muscles. I laughed loud enough that even the sea gulls were frightened. This related directly to some of the Cubs issues and I took this as a wonderful sign of confirmation that my prayers had been accepted.
It is a very tightly woven tapestry indeed.
As I wadded into the water a bit, I was instructed to take a few particular shells to place back on my altar. Normally, I would leave the shells where they were but this was low tide and specific instructions. They were a larger half shell and smaller half shell.
Yesterday I went in to the doctor for follow up tests. While the original issue is still there, it does not appear to be impacting the Cub in the least. He is big for his age and feisty. This is how magickal healing has traditionally worked for me. The outward appearances are still there but they present no issues.
Many moons ago Lon gave a class as a precursor to the second Gnostic Mass workshop. It was a class given at Notocon years before and I think that the contents are worth repeating.
The unofficial title was "how to tell those 'above you' in the Order how to Fuck Off!" He told stories of his own magickal path and how a few well meaning but misguided souls tried to tell him what his True Will was. Needless to say this sort of overstepping, no matter how well intentioned, needs to be addressed. The message of the class was clear, no one but you knows what your True Will is and everyone else just needs to back it off. He reminded us that card of the Aeon has a child with a finger in the sign of silence. Sometimes the best Fuck Off! is indeed silence and withdrawal from the situation.
At the time of the class we all practiced saying "Fuck off!" a multitude of times. At the time I thought that this was well meaning but silly. I mean no one I had run into came anywhere near this.
Please fast forward to a few months ago. My universal landscaped has changed and I finally found someone who made this class necessary. While the details are not important the underlying message definitely is true.
If I had not had that class lo those many years ago, I might have been more hesitant to act. But as it was, I knew that there was a precedent and that the Hamster was right.
Large groups always have some large egos attached. No matter what their intent, when people overstep their bounds we have to have the ovum to tell them Fuck Off!
As it was the ergregore worked itself out neatly and all is well.
So for anyone who needs this message, just remember no one knows your True Will but you. If well meaning but over reaching egos are trying to tell you what your True Will is, please feel free to use either the silent withdrawal or the Fuck You method of self expression. Don't worry you have my permission and you have lots of precedent:)
As I prepared to make the Cakes of Light one of the questions that was raised was what type of flour to use. Local flavor has often used Kamut but I had heard that Amaranth flour was actually recommended in some of the older text. After some research I realized that both could be found locally at the Wholefoods store here. As a scientist my journey became clear. Some alchemical experiments were in my future.
The Good Priest made the journey to the store with me most willingly. Getting an incredible cook to venture into a fine grocery store is NEVER hard. After some serious searching we found several packages of preground flour. For the record they also carry the grain in bulk and whole. Winnowing and grinding all day for 2 ounces of flour did not seem like a good idea. So I paid the steep prices for both and moved on.
Saturday morning I was motivated by the Hamster to get my ass out of bed and get to work. He was just not subtle. I found the online recipe again and decided to split the 1.5 cups of flour into 3 options. The first option was 100% Kamut, the second 50/50 and the third 100% Amaranth. I did check to make sure that I could split the tablespoons into thirds and found that 1 tablespoon equals 3 teaspoons. This was MOST helpful.
The recipe I used was found at hermetic.com under egc. I tried to post a link but as usually technology just does not work for me.
Suddenly my countertop was a mini lab and my inner geek was just doing cartwheels. I set up the experiments just as I would any other wet chem lab.
I chose to start with the dry flours and then make a small hole in the center for the wet ingredients. I started with the leavings and noted how they resembled blood I had collected for other alchemical purposes. Next I added the extra virgin olive oil and it seemed to just float on top of the flour and not combine readily. Next I added the honey ( I chose clover as it is MY favorite) and it went through the oil and sat directly on the flour. Finally I added 2 drops of Abramelin oil into the whole mix.
I preheated the oven to 300 degrees and decided to start with the 100% Kamut.
I grabbed the measuring spoon I was using and began to stir and fold the mixture together. The first thing that I noticed was that the Kamut was course. Not just in texture, but there was something very unrefined about it. The leavings stained only the flour that it originally touched and became impossible to fold in to the rest of the mixture without streaking. While interesting, it was not the result I was hoping for. After getting it to a doughy consistency I kneaded it with my hands. Again it was rough and course.
I grabbed some wax paper and my trusty rolling pin. I broke off a piece and attempted to roll it out to a thickness of about 1/8 inch. What a mess. I ended up flouring the wax paper and putting oil on the rolling pin, otherwise this was an impossible task. The dough would not roll out as thin as I would have liked but it eventually got to flat. I found a large oil lid and used to it cut out the cakes. I then pressed my unicursal hexagram from my Thelemic Rosary into the cakes. Trying to move the 5 cakes proved impossible. I finally got them off and placed on the baking stone, but not very gracefully. I baked them for 5 minutes, but because of their size needed to bake them for about 5 more minutes. The came out OK, but still a bit underdone.
Next I repeated the process with 50/50 mixture. The two flours did not play well together. It took a great deal of effort to get them to mix and even then it was an uncomfortable truce. The Kamut again grabbed up the color from the leavings and streaked the dough but not as badly as the 100% mix. This time I started with oiling and flouring and the process went smoother. I also cut the cakes on the wax paper and then moved them to the baking stone BEFORE making the impressions. I was much more pleased with the results. Again I baked them for 7 minutes but ended up putting them back in for 3 more and they still were a bit undercooked.
The last mixture was just Amaranth. I was most pleased to see that as I started to combine everything the whole mixture turned this glorious beige with just a pink tint. It really is beautiful. The most interesting bit was that as I started to stir and combine, I got a glorious smell of Frankincense. To me this was a direct message from my HGA that I was on the right track. This is a temple incense but more importantly it is a SOLAR association. Since this is a solar rite, I knew I was on the right track. The dough just seemed to humm with life. It was sensory intoxication at it's finest. It also cut and pressed easily. I baked them for 7 minutes and again for another 3. They were closer to properly cooked but I will still have to adjust the time.
As if summoned by the smell of the Cakes, the Good Priest stumbled out of bed just as the last batch was cooling. We ran a taste test and determined that the Amaranth was our favorite. I was most pleased that the Amaranth tasted good because it was so functional on so many levels.
It was a lovely morning of Cakes and coffee for breakfast.
So while I will have to tweak the baking time due to the much larger size of the Cakes, I am definitely sold on the Amaranth. Yes, it is about twice the price as the Kamut but really well worth it!
Pardon me for the long quiet spell, but I did not really have anything magickally to add to the discussion and no one wants to read through my internal dialogue. Trust me on this one. The internal dialogue of a pregnant sex magickian is like a word salad. So now I do have something to say and am most willing to share.
Up until very recently this card has not made much sense to me. I mean yes, I got the general symbolism in the same way that people learning a new language learn words. After a while you not only learn the words but the subtly and the innuendos.
The Pelican pecking her breast to feed her young from her own blood was a biological misconception left over from antiquity. Even long after we figured out what she was actually doing, we still liked the image and perpetuate it even today. It is loving and self sacrificing. It is everything we associate with the best of the maternal instincts and motherhood. It is III or Binah in motion. Since she is right above the Abyss, she is not just pregnant with a child but with creation itself. This lead me to my ponderings on the alchemy of the Gnostic Mass.
As I prepare for the role of Priestess in the Gnostic Mass there are some tools that need to be constructed. One of the many are the ingredients for the Cakes of Light or Eucharist. While Crowley only describes the bare bone ingredients for the process there are several good recipes online. There are several ingredients that are not just shelf ready. The first one I wanted to tackle were the leavings of thick red wine.
After considerable research, I finally found what that has been accepted to mean. When you make red wine there are skins and such that are left at the bottom of the fermentation container. At first these seem useless, but on closer examination they are quiet useful. Funny how that works.
Those leavings actually contain cream of tartar. It is a leavening agent. This means that when you add a bit of this to your cakes, they become CAKES instead of flat cookies. What seems useless is actually used in place of baking powder or soda. It also has the effect of looking tremendously like menses.
Recently a suitable substitute has been determined to be used. It does not have the cream of tartar properties, but it is functional. You take red wine, generally Port, and reduce it down into a syrup. I looked for Port at Bevmo but got a Hamster kick for two different red wines by the same vintner. They were both Red Diamond labels. I had never heard of them before, but when you look at the bottle it appears to be a stylized unicursal hexagram. Coincidence? Maybe, but I ran with it anyway. The two that I used were a Cab Sauv. and a Merlot.
Because I am a CM geek and scientist by nature, I did it on the most solar day I could get ahold of. I chose last Sunday during the hour of Sol to start the process. If I got any solar, I might catch fire.
I have been feeling rather like death warmed over lately, but the push and kicks that I received to work on this were similar to the Enochian promptings. Even though you do not think that you can do it, somehow all of the energy appears. As soon as you are done you need a large nap. I learned long ago to just go with it or it gets worse and not better.
I took both of the bottles and emptied them into our largest stock pot. I turned the gas on the stove up until it boiled and then down to a simmer. For the next 6 hours, I stirred and watched. Slowly the two bottles reduced down into a thick red syrup. As I was checking it frequently, it seemed to take even longer.
Towards the end of the process I added a few squeezes of clover honey into the pot just to aid in thickening. It was pure Hamster prompt but it seemed to take the bitterness out of the wine and thicken it just enough to be functional. After it was reduced down to about 200 ml I left it to cool.
After it was cooled I poured it into 3 small bottles and stuck them in the fridge. They look like thickened blood and have almost a black tint. They are really strange to see sitting in your fridge first thing in the morning.
In the next part I will talk about the flours and the actual making of the cakes. This will be an adventure!