Monday, July 25, 2011

Sex, drugs and magick

The Cub was conceived during a very successful Sex Magick Operation. His being here is a continuation of that operation. So far it has been a year and counting. Right after the Cub was born I started to get really bizarre and exquisitely painful eye pain. Traditionally unsealed energy comes right back in my right eye and this feels like the world is imploding on my iris. It has been a real challenge trying to keep up with my now exquisitely busy life. As of yet they have not determined the ultimate cause but have me on some breastfeeding safe medications. They do, however, knock me right out of my normal state.

Many years ago I was in the hospital and on morphine for the better part of a week. At that time I TRIED to do an LBRP. My brain was so fried that I determined that there was no way that any form of drugs would EVER play into my magickal work. I literally got LOST in a Q-Cross.

Yesterday, my right eye developed a blurred circle in the middle of my vision. It resembled how people look in ritual when they take on Godform. You can see them, just no details. It was fairly scary in all honesty. I came home and took the meds - a lot of them.

Well last night I was forced to eat my words. I finally found how mind altering substances can help you get out of your own way. Because of the meds/ drugs my normal mental defense mechanisms, were effectively on vacation. When my mind started to look at an issue that I had dragged around from a previous relationship and into the current one, I was able to look at it honestly. I was able to admit that my insecurity existed - which has been a huge step in and of itself. And then I was able to verbalize it to Tiger - sans ego and sans excuses.

A funny thing happened as I verbalized it, it lead to more Socratic reasoning. So as one honest question lead to another, I realized that the issue I had been dragging with me was not mine originally. One partners issue could not be dealt with by me and so I created my own issue to try to control it - as a REASON for their issue that predated me. Since I could not fix their issue I was out of control and that was far more scary than packing up an issue. If they did not like ice cream, then surely it was because they did not like MY ice cream. There must be something wrong with MY ice cream - otherwise they would like it. It is a nasty loop and the mind is a very strange thing.

As I babbled on honestly through the process to Tiger, I actually felt the issue be released. I immediately felt my heart lighter as I just let that go. When I woke up this morning I felt much better and my heart is starting to heal.

So while I am not advocating anyone start a heroin habit to cure a hangnail, I can now see the point. If used as a tool, this could be incredibly effective. I just think that you can reproduce these results without the drugs once you know the way. The risk is of course addiction and that would be counterproductive to the cause of freedom. Freeing yourself from your issues by placing your neck in a yoke is a tactical error.

LMD describes magick as the art of changing yourself. Last night a GREAT deal of magick was accomplished and insights were made.

Peace to us all and good night!

1 comment:

BaalShemRA said...

Oh, I really like this post! It is so honest and to me is about attaining a sort of clarity on several issues, it happens while on meds. And it (your post) has the virtue of saying, "This is what I've discovered is true for me."

Thelema teaches, I suppose, that some drugs may give some people some valuable insight at some times and in some circumstances. For this, there can be no rule except, "I have discovered that this is true for me."

I have attampted to perform Liber Resh, an extremely public and elaborate version, for over 25 years.(I won't say . . . okay, I was in my twenties.) I have been either in or "around" the Order for many of those years, around Thelemites, and around people who celebrate the Gnostic Mass.

I have used and abused many different chemicals, and have always been somewhat proud of the fact that I can perform whatever ritual I need to, on whatever substance I'm on. (I should say that I do not speak for the Order and if did, I, or they, would say that it is NOT Order policy that it is okay to be high when performing rituals in public. Yes, they would say that, and I'm always running into these little ironies of needing to speak for them even when I'm claiming not to speak for them.) You could say I'm the sort of Thelemite who takes the idea of Freedom VERY seriously.

A few weeks ago, I took some acid or ell ess dee, and I found that I was too high to do Resh! I usually start with the Qabalistic Cross, the same way the LBR starts, whether I do the whole LBR or not. (I'll just say that if I do the LBR four times a day with the four Reshes, then my life tends to change very quickly. If I just do the Reshes, my life changes more slowly.) In fact, I Always start with the Qabalistic Cross, and for years it has been a sort of mantra marking sacred space for me.

It was a Saturday night, I was home, and I went out to the front porch to do Midnight Resh under the night sky. I couldn't remember how to do Resh! For maybe the second time in as many decades, due to ell ess dee intoxication. Atah, IAO, uh . . . Atah . . . I was stuck on the second word, I think because my left and right brain were scrambled over the difference between "words" and "music." In fact, I KNOW it was that, it's like I can go back and taste the confusion without falling into it.

No big conclusion here. It's just that you talked about once being on medical morphine and being unable to do the LBR. (If I may say so, it sounds like ALOT of morphine, plus the pain you were undoubtedly in.) And then recently you had the opposite, the meds produced clarity. I am proud of you, and of the conclusions you came to, and, no, it doesn't mean you should take drugs all the time now -- we both agree that it doesn't mean that -- but it does seem like a strange ironic reversal to me.

I usually claim that my various highs either improve my rituals, or don't impede them. But last week we changed places, and I was stopped cold.

Enough said. Maybe too much.

Thank you for listening.

Love is the Law, Love Under Will,


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