The above image is from http://library.creativecow.net/articles/wilson_tim/win-mac.php
Lately I have started school and as usual it is a painful and traumatic change in my schedule. Getting used to the new routine has sent me on a spree of buying magnetic to do lists. I now have 3 of them strapped to the refridgerator and really thing that is a not so subtle hint to get my stuff together.
As part of that I have been fighting with my asthma all week. I have not had trouble with it for the better part of 10 years. I had been using caffine to keep it under control and that worked just peachy until recently I had switched my meds around and now I am off caffine. (Yes the good Frater did survive the experience...).
So now the asthma meds are having a very interesting reaction to the rest of my universe and I am starting to see a pattern. In my form of asthma the air goes in alright but when it comes time to exhale, nothing moves. The process results in a glorious combination of wheezing, coughing and every cell in your body telling you that you are dying. The meds interaction is worth staving that joy off.
Though I am starting to see a need to ( as a dear sister is fond of saying) clear my throat chakra. Lately I have been taking inventory of my life ( an occupational hazard of all magickians). I realized that this disease, as it manifests for me, is a physical manifestation of some life long patterns. There are lots of things that I should have said and did not. I am not talking about tiny things, I mean big life things. It is as if they get stuck and eventually start the coughing and wheezing.
In the last few months I have tried to have two seperate large life conversations with folks who are in my life , but have seriously impacted my past in a negative and toxic way. There have been three seperate times that I have steeled myself for conversations that people are not going to want to hear, but each time something explodes right before my eyes in thier life (twice literally) and any meaningful conversation would have been lost in the chaos of the moment. Honestly it was just disappointing.
While I do not think that these conversations will suddenly change the past or excuse the actions, it is important for me to learn to fight for me in the same way I would fight for anyone else I love.
Amusingly enough my alchemical garden has been acting as a barometer for my progress. When I am fighting for me my red roses bloom like crazy (severity and Mars), when I give excuses and avoid something the white roses (mercy leaning to weakness) bloom like crazy. It is nice to know how my life is going just by sticking my head out into the garden.
This weekend I am going to do some Work to see if I can put more of the pieces in order and clear out that throat chakra once and for all. It should be an interesting journey :)