So since Pantheacon, I have been working on my shadows. Actually they have been working on me. They have been finding me in the oddest and most unusual places.
Take for instance yesterday at school. There is a kid who has been in several of my engineering classes. Nice kid, but just a kid. Yesterday we were talking about our physics homework and I commented on his octopus shirt that I mistook for a Cthulu shirt.
As his face lit up in this puppy dog smile, I suddenly saw a shadow. Sort of a minds eye shadow. He does not look like my first lover but he feels like him in some esoteric sort of way. I was 16 he was a bit older. To me he obviously knew everything and was going through what can only be described as a messiah phase. He was a self absorbed ass and I have been pissed off at him for 20 years. He left me for an older woman he met at college. Yes, everything was truly for the best.
After looking at my little physics buddy looking up at me with this wide eyed wonder, I realized that he was just a scared kid. Suddenly lessons from 20 years ago started to surface. 20 years ago that kid knew nothing of life, but he knew more than me. When you are young that is pretty damned close to omnipotent. As that older woman now, I am curious what the hell that woman was thinking. 20 year old boys are like puppies, they are cute to have around but you know that sooner or later they will ruin the carpet and chew on something you want back in one piece.
So for what it is worth after all of these years, I can finally let that anger go. He was just a scared kid and was not doing anything on purpose he just didn't know any better. I do not realize that I was still pissed after all of this time. It has now come full circle and I am done. For what it is worth universally "I forgive you and wish you a good and happy life."