So last night I went into the temple room to rid it of the thing that was hanging out in there. Long story, but the reason that the good frater could not see it, was that it was not his. After another long and drawn out story it is now gone but it bit me a little. Don't worry I bite back and have swords handy :)
As part of embracing my inner pinup girl, I realized that I have become incredibly adept at hidding. Not just hiding but hiding in plain sight. I realize that it dates back to childhood and has some very good reasons for it's existance. It is even occasionally a useful tool. Yet today I realized that it is like your favorite pair of jeans from high school it is just not fitting anymore AND it is not healthy. The good Frater would comment that he could lose me in stores and I honestly thought that he was just not particularly observant. I realized today that it is a honed and deepseated state of being.
Last night I went to deal with the thing in the temple room and called upon HCOMA to aid me in my ways. It was not the fancy full option that you get when you first make contact. This was more like a cellphone call to your best friend. Your fingers know the numbers by heart and you really don't have to do much more than pick up the phone. She calmed my heart a great deal and instructed me to get a picture of a swan and put it on my altar to remind myself that I am a swan and she is right behind me. I thought it a weird instruction but not so weird that I would not try it.
I scan through the images on google and found .. nothing that I liked. Then I remembered a swan that had flown into the plant many years ago. It was a lone trumpeter swan and s/he was incredible. They just did swan things for about a week and then left never to return. I took pictures of this beautiful swan and suddenly it hit me. That was her... and me... and well the universe. So I printed it out and put it on my altar.
This morning I got back into my daily magickal routine. I was feeling pretty on my game when I got to school. I put up my girl aura bits and then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. PANIC and ANXIETY. Not just a little but like I needed to crawl into my backpack. I had trouble breathing as I walked through a group of people. My heart started to pound and the reason that I honed the invisibility bit hit me. The loop that was playing in my head was pure and unadulterated fear. Primal safety kind of stuff. Fight or flight kind of stuff. The more I pressed the girly aura up the worse it got. The loop got louder and the fear got to the point I thought I was going to pass out. To look at me you would not have known anything was happening, except for the racing pulse and dialated pupils. Then I heard this silly little mantra in a very calming voice. Be the swan, be the swan.
I realized that the two were related but refused to be a prisoner of this fear any longer. Fuck that. I am not invisible. So I kept it up and eventually I heard a snap. Like a band of some sort. Then there was a release. The physical need to hold up the girl aura was no more and it became like breathing. I am sure that this is not over, not by a long shot, but it is a start. Just like any muscles it takes time to flex and stretch. It will take time to get into the adjustment too. I have had 30 years to learn the other one, maybe I need to cut myself a little slack :)
Well off to class. Be the swan. Be the swan.
I Am Still Here
10 months ago