When I first started down my magickal path, I told my mentor that if I was going to be a magickian I would be a sex magickian. I thought it was a lovely smart ass comment, not a direction or a path. It appears that my universe communicates to me through smart ass remarks, why am I surprised?
His response to this was to shove a copy of Enochian Sex Magick in my hand and chuckle silently. I read a few pages by pure slogging. I had no idea what the hell I was reading. This was a perfect choice for a first book on magick and it slowed me down... for a bit. After deciding that I needed a wee bit more information I bought a copy of DMKs Modern Sex Magick and my mentor loaned me a copy of Practical SigilMagick by FraterUD. These were my first 3 books on any magickal topic. I read the first few chapters of Modern Sex Magick and most of Practical SigilMagick. I figured I was ready to start working and anything I didn't know I could just interpolate. I mean how hard can it be? I am Pisces hedonist, this was right up my ally. Moving sexual energy is as basic as breathing! Right? Have you ever looked at how many functions have to fire to breath and keep breathing??? Again I digress.
So I started playing with the Alphabet of Desire and got a bright idea. Yes I said playing with because I surely did not know enough to classify that as Working with. I would just start raising energy and see how the process worked. Feel my way through it, if you will. I didn't direct the energy I was raising and I certainly couldn't be bothered to do anything resembling a banishing before or after. Somewhere along there in the process my mentor shoved a copy of Regardie's Middle Pillar in my hand as he started to notice that there was way too much energy moving around in an uncontrolled manner. It was starting to effect those around me but I had no idea why or in what way. He, however, was starting to get nervous about my new zeal for this path. He gently encouraged me to "Work on my banishings" in a passing sort of way for a few weeks. Eventually, he just gave up on the subtle and told me "Look you need to banish or direct this you are causing PROBLEMS!" So I read the last chapter of Modern Sex Magick and decided that banishing by laughter would be plenty.
So over the next month my bright idea and continuous energy raising started to take shape. I would do a working with the Alphabet of Desire to lose 15 pounds. I made a sigil for it by combining the letters of my statement of intent and made it very simple. This caused a few problems. First I have a photographic memory and banishing a sigil out of your conscious sphere is no small feat. Second it was poorly worded and directed. It was just to lose 15 pounds and made no provisions for how or safe methods. Yes my friends, these are object lessons in the making.
I prepared my ritual space and made several copies of the sigil. Then I took a shower and lit some frankincense. My sigils were strategically placed around the room and I did my best banish by laughter. Since this and always has been a solo adventure, the opening consisted of laughing and raising the energy. As I focused my intent on the sigil, the little voice in the back of my mind kept trying to warn me off but I couldn't be bothered with such things. I was WORKING. So I cleared my mind and continued. Everything went according to plan and I closed with another bit of laughter. I burned the sigils and got on with my day.
At the time I realized that chocolate sigils would have been much more tasty and functional than burning parchment. This is an idea that I am still working on. If I can get a way to keep the sigils from melting it could be quite functional indeed. Charging and eating chocolate is definately my idea of a good Working.
So as I went on with my day, the sigil kept popping back into my head and burning through my right eye. I struggled with that off and on for about a week before it "occurred" to me to place a unicursal between me and it when it started to back feed. I can only attribute this little piece of insight to very early Holy Guardian Hamster warnings. It also "occurred" to me that if I was going to work with sigils I would have to make them much more complex. Otherwise I stood no chance of actually banishing them and keeping them from back feeding.
About a month after this the universe found the weakest link in my physical body by which to effect the change. I had recently had some medical procedures that ended in an ancient form of chemo called Methaltraxate. It effectively blew up my liver and I threw up for 6 months straight. Funny, I almost immediately dropped 15 pounds. Oh the irony. Despite the unintended consquences, it was TECHNICALLY a success. This is sort of like realizing the difference between edible plants and tasty plants.
Shortly after I explained to my mentor what I was going to do by working through the Alphabet of Desire, he demanded his book back. I will never be able to thank him enough for that. I am not sure how much more my body could take.
It has taken me about 6 years to straighten it all out and my liver is still not 100 percent. There has been a lot of work done for my liver and so I am continually confusing modern medicine. The doctors do not know HOW it is still functioning well given it's size and issues. I just smile and make silly comments about "well maybe it's magick, I don't question the process." They are never quite sure if I am serious. I never say :)
The process of unravelling this mystery proved to be driving force to my magickal path. As a Pisces hedonist, I can assure you that I would have drank my way through the first few steps into the OTO and the following Dark Nights of the Soul. If only my liver would have let me... It is very interesting how tightly this tapestry is woven.
A couple of years ago, I took up gardening and that proved to be the start to understanding my process. Working in the garden allowed me to reflect on how I process the universe. Due to my interesting upbringing, I was taught that you had 5 minutes to deal with whatever was bothering you and then you had to "throw it over your shoulder". Well in practice, I shoved it down into my liver. Life does not fit in 5 minute boxes, at least not any worth living. Life is messy and emotional. It is way more than a 5 minute time slot in your day planner!
During a recent bubbling jacuzzi session with a good friend she asked me "Well why don't you just dump all of that energy into the garden?" I looked at her and had no good answers. It was right there in front of me all of the time. The Earth does not care in what form that energy comes in, it will take it and spin it right back into life. My 5 minute box left overs have become a glorious garden and I will never be able to thank her enough for her insight or gentle ability to beat me into some sense.
Recently I had a chat with mom about the 5 minute box and while I understand the dynamics of it, she really doesn't. Her response was "Well did you want me to let you be upset?" I explained to her that is how life works and realized that statement really shocked her. Suddenly my liver seemed much better...and I was taken with an overwhelming sadness for her universal view. She honestly didn't understand that this is not how we process emotions.
At some point I will step back through that whole process and fix my statement of intent via the sigil used. It was pointless to do so until I had the key in which to fix the underlying problem. It is no good to duct tape it back together just to hit it with a sledge hammer 30 times a day. So now that the pieces are in place it makes it much easier to see. It also gives me a great deal of sympathy for all us hurling blindly down the path.
Well back to the garden to dump some of this energy!